5 REASONS WHY KASEY KAHNE IS DOOMED

All is not well in the No. 9 garage. Kasey Kahne currently sits in second-to-last place in the Chase.  He got his first DNF of the season in the first Chase race and has been forced to use his backup engine because of concern that Dodge’s latest engine (the R6) was built to break down.  All signs point to doomed.
 
Check out these five reasons why Kasey Kahne is doomed to failure in this year’s Chase.
   
1. Leadership mustache vacuum

Mark McArdle’s departure as the team VP, the switch from Dodge to Ford and a possible Yates merger are just the tip of the iceberg.  RPM’s dirty little secret is the disappearance of Richard Petty’s mustache.  Like Samson’s hair, the Petty mustache is the key to the team’s success.  The main motivating factor for the merger with Yates Racing is the possible acquisition of Yates Racing’s many "power mustaches." 

             
2. Found evil monkey paw under seat


Two weeks ago during a routine inspection of the interior of the car, Kahne found a monkey’s paw under his seat.  At first it was cool. The monkey paw granted wishes (like top 10 finishes at Kansas and Dover). But wishes soon turn into nightmares. No one has ever outsmarted an enchanted monkey paw.  Kahne might think he has turned a corner with two great finishes, but he is playing with fire.  He must destroy the monkey paw.
                       
3. Ran over gypsy in turn 2 at Dover


Running over a gypsy is never a good thing.  Running over a gypsy in turn 2 of an important race is the worst thing that can happen to a Sprint Cup driver. Some people argue that Kahne was protected from gypsy curses because of an amulet given to him by a warlock before the race, but that’s just ridiculous.
                            
4. Would not let goat into pit box

If the Chicago Cubs have anything to teach us, it’s that you have to let goats into sporting events.  If Kahne wants to win the big one, he will have to relax his "no goats in the pit stall" policy.  Tony Stewart has allowed goats to roam free in his pit area for years and look at all of the success he has had.  Kahne needs to take a page from his elder’s playbook and let in the goats.

                              
5. His name is not Jimmie Johnson or Mark Martin
While he benefits from the alliteration of the "double k", he unfortunately is doomed to failure because he is not named Jimmie or Mark.  It’s scientifically proven this season that if a driver is named Jimmie or Mark he is guaranteed to finish first or second.

Related links:
Urban Dictionary NASCAR definitions
Nude Danica photos from ESPN Body Issue
Ultimate NASCAR nickname flowchart
Jesus playing sports gallery
Actors who should play NASCAR drivers
Bad NASCAR tattoos
NASCAR paint-scheme FAIL
NASCAR merchandising FAIL
New NASCAR romance novels hit shelves
Best NASCAR pickup lines
Signs you’re at a bad NASCAR-themed wedding
Great moments in rain-delay history