A New Market For Tin Foil Hats In NASCAR Nation

Jimmie Johnson

The cover is blown! The truth has come out! The fix isn’t in FOR Jimmie Johnson, as was once believed; the fix is AGAINST the five-time champion in his bid to win a sixth. I’m sure glad we got that one figured out.

It seems there’s suddenly an emerging market for tin foil hats in NASCAR Nation. Whereas they were once popular with the anti-Jimmie crowd, this week there’s a run on them among his fans. Don’t you know they threw that mystery debris caution to keep Jimmie Johnson from winning the race?

That must also mean Brian France and Mike Helton must have slipped the crews for Jeff Gordon and Kasey Kahne a few bucks to put only two new Goodyears on their car, instead of the four, bringing them out sooner than “Five Time,” who came out third.

Of course, that also means someone must have sprayed PAM on Johnson’s tires, causing him to get loose, and fall back from third to seventh on the final re-start. Yeah, that’s what happened.

Oh, then someone must have slipped some rocket fuel into Brad Keselowski’s gas can, and Matt Kenseth, who knows? All we know is it HAD to be part of a grand plan to keep Johnson out of victory lane. No wait- I know- this is part of an even grander plan to throw off all those OTHER conspiracy theorists off, so that when Jimmie wins it, and Rick Hendrick makes that secret visit to Daytona with a check to NASCAR, no one will be any the wiser.

There you have it. You can all go back to watching football. Nothing to see here.

Never let the facts get in the way of a good story. While a dubious caution flag may have been thrown to bunch all the cars back together again, the story sounds a lot more compelling when you throw in the elements of a nefarious scheme. Conspiracy theories- where would NASCAR be without them? Never mind the fact that in order for a conspiracy, you need way too much complicity among a wide swath of parties with varying agendas to make it work. Usually- greed or stupidity screws up the outcome, but that’s immaterial. Outside NASCAR, a whole industry has revolved around the assassination of JFK, the 9/11 truthers and the infamous Bilderbergers. Why ruin a good thing?