Somewhere Nicolas Cage’s character in Leaving Las Vegas is saying, “You’re really going to do this.”

All-star games suck. They’re rarely competitive. They’re often full of lame cross-promotional stunts sure to go wrong. I don’t care if the Puma mascot is here. I just want to watch my favorite starts of women’s professional soccer.

What I do care about is not going back on my word. In February, I wrote  the following:

This season, I’m going to wager $50 of fake money (I’m married, like I have disposable income) on each race.

The All-Star race is a race. Plus, I’m down a fake $300 after Kyle Busch’s Dover win. So, in honor of great all-star performances from the likes of Tommy Lasorda, here are my picks for Saturday night in Charlotte.

$30 on Jimmie Johnson at 9/2
: Johnson has won this event twice and has the highest average finish. He’s won three Sprint Cup race at Charlotte in the last five years and owns the highest average finish in that time. Lowe’s is his sponsor, and they used to have naming rights to Charlotte Motor Speedway. Plus, big names win these kind of events. Random dude from the Clippers doesn’t outdap LeBron or Wade (Editor’s note: The defense in these highlights sets basketball back 25 years. If you can give an “A” for effort, you can an “F———.“

$10 on Kasey Kahne at 15/1:
Dude owns this track. In the last five years, Kahne has three wins. None of them have come in this race, but that can change. This almost feels like a Vegas is trying to draw me in with a sucker bet. Consider me hooked. Enjoy make fake discretionary income while I have a sardine for dinner.  

$10 on Joey Logano at 25/1: Logano has finished in the top 10 in both of his Charlotte starts. The fans voted Logano into this race last year.  Plus it would make Justin Bieber happy.  And yes, this song will drive you more insane than fake betting on an all-star event.

I really did it. Enjoy the odds from the good folks (I’ve never met them) at the The Spread, and insert random catchphrase here.

Jimmie Johnson 9/2
Kyle Busch 9/2
Jeff Gordon 5/1
Denny Hamlin 8/1
Kurt Busch 12/1
Matt Kenseth 12/1
Kasey Kahne 15/1
Tony Stewart 15/1
Mark Martin 15/1
Kevin Harvick 15/1
Joey Logano 25/1
Ryan Newman 25/1
Jamie McMurray 25/1
Dale Earnhardt Jr 25/1
David Reutimann 30/1
Brad Keselowski 40/1
Bobby Labonte 100/1
Field (Any Other Driver) 6/1