BAN NASCAR NOW!

Author’s Note:  It has been my experience that some NASCAR fans have trouble with the concept of satire.  That being said, I feel it is especially important to point out that this article is a satirical attack on a satirical site – double satire, if you will.  I have read quite a bit about this site on various forums around the web, and it’s quite obvious that they are being taken seriously.  After an extensive research period of around seven minutes, I discovered that the same company who registered the site I’m writing about also mainatins a site called www.dogcondoms.com.  No kidding.
Did you know that NASCAR is under attack from enviromentalists?  Yes, it’s true and www.bannascarnow.com is leading the valiant charge to save us from the evil clutches of Brian France and his diabolical minions.  I urge you to go check out their site before reading further because I’m about to have some fun with these shrub-humping, granola-gobbling, fern-huffing weenies. 
 

 
Not that I have anything against cleaning up our environment, because it’s obvious that NASCAR is not exactly a green sport.  I just have a problem with fundamentalists that think everyone should wear hemp sandals and live in huts made of horse shit.  If you want to eat pine bark curd and talk to badgers, that’s fine, just don’t expect me to give up my chili cheese fries and Family Guy re-runs.  Just listen to some of the outrageous allegations from this site:

Three species of bird have been entirely wiped out due to NASCAR.

This statement can’t be anything but a typo.  It should read: Three birds have been entirely wiped out to due NASCAR.  And here they are:

NASCAR – 3, seagulls – 0

There is NOT ONE SINGLE race track, not even any of the newer ones, that have been built to green standards with environmentally conscientious materials.

Well, duh!  They’re made out of friggin’ concrete and rebar, not cyprus mulch and owl vomit.  What about dirt tracks, though?  Uh-huh, never thought of that did you?  I thought you nature-types liked dirt.

It’s already been statistically verified that a favorite driver winning a race leads to an increase in birth rates among unmarried couples.

Uh-huh…  like we ain’t ever heard of oral sex.

The same studies likewise prove that a favored racer losing leads to increased instances of domestic violence due to the combination of dangerously excessive alcohol consumption, Defeat Frustration Syndrome, and the ready availability of punchable women in near proximity to NASCAR events.

"Punchable women"?  I made the mistake of laughing out loud when Jimmie Johnson got wrecked by Sam Hornish at Texas last year and my old lady went ballastic.  I regained consciousness the following Tuesday and pissed blood for three weeks.

Not only are the trophies given out at each cup made out of petroleum based plastics and non-renewable wood products, but the components are manufactured in China.

Does it really matter?  It’s not like Jeff Gordon or Jimmie Johnson might one day say to his wife:  "Honey, I’ve got too many of these damn trophies.  Why don’t we throw out everything except the Winston / Nextel / Sprint Cups?  What?  The recycle bin is full?  Just pitch ‘em out back, they’ll rot away to nothing in 3000 years or so.  I don’t care if starving autistic Chinese child slave labor did make them, I need this hall closet for my golf clubs."

The average NASCAR fan drives the biggest V8 they can find to get to the events (couldn’t be caught dead in an economical commuter!) and that factor just compounds the problem.

You got that right!  When I went to the Amp Energy 500 last year, this white guy with dreadlocks drives up in a Prius and a bunch of Dale Jr. fans hauled him out of there and beat the stuffing out of him.  The State Troopers even helped!

NASCAR produces more pollution than the states of Rhode Island and Vermont combined.

Now that is pretty scary.  Rhode Island and Vermont combined.  Combined!  Can you just imagine?  I mean, two of the four states on the map you have to squint to see.

NASCAR races put enough metal into landfills to build an aircraft carrier every month.

Clearly another typo.  It should read as follows:  Paul Menard puts enough metal into landfills to build an aircraft carrier every month.