Southern California has been reeling from the aftershocks of devastating racing news. The ground shook with astonishment as NASCAR stripped the California Speedway of one its annual races and took away its Chase of the Cup race (replacing it with a race in late March). A place typically known for keeping it’s cool, totally lost it.
Many think of Southern California as a celebrity-obsessed, vapid wasteland of sunshine, but underneath the self-tanner and aviator sunglasses beats the heart of a celebrity-obsessed, vapid wasteland that also likes NASCAR. Here are the most prominent ways in which SoCal residents are hit hard by the news.
1. A Moment of Silence at Tanning Salons Across the Sate
From Beverly Hills to San Diego, in spas and strip malls, ladies paused from their self-tanning to offer a moment of protest. The "Tan-Off" sent a strong message to NASCAR officials. Mike Helton was visibly shaken after being informed of the tanning protest. The only other time the tanning salons have observed a moment of silence was for the time that one guy that everyone liked on American Idol was voted off.
2. Heidi and Spencer Divorced
Racing connoisseurs and MTV celebrities, Heidi and Spencer immediately divorced when they heard NASCAR was taking away the Chase of the Cup race. Their marriage was based on mutual respect and a common bond of three-wide racing. Without NASCAR in Southern California they just couldn’t bear to spend another minute together (until they are offered money to appear on a reality TV competition).
3. Lindsay Lohan Driven to Drink
Sources close to Lindsay Lohan say she suffered a major setback in her recovery when she heard the news. Lohan, who’s love of racing was chronicled in the documentary "Herbie: Fully Loaded", ran to the nearest liquor store when NASCAR announced that California would lose one of it’s races. She was heard to exclaim, "Not Again, first Dale Jr. doesn’t make the Chase and now this!" Close, personal friend Danica Patrick was unavailable for comment.
4. Jesse McCartney Refuses to Sing/Forget National Anthem Again
Pop Star Jesse McCartney who brought the house down at the California Speedway by singing and forgetting the National Anthem. McCartney noted, "If NASCAR doesn’t want to race in California for the Chase to the Cup than I will refuse to sing/forget the National Anthem at any major sporting event."
5. America Mourns the Ability to See Hot Celebs in the Garage
Without a race near Hollywood, where will attractive ladies who are vaguely famous mingle with NASCAR drivers? America needs to have two races in Southern California to get the Jessica Albas of the celebrity world to visit NASCAR garages and have their photos taken. There is only so much Ingrid Vandebosch to go around. America demands Southern California race day appearances by Jessica Biel and January Jones.