CAVS OWNER ANGRY OPEN LETTER TO NASCAR

I am Dan Gilbert, owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers, and I’m furious about a lot of things.  First and foremost is the cowardly betrayal of our fair city by LeBron James.  But I’m equally angered by the state of NASCAR today. After writing my letter to the fans of Cleveland I was moved to write a second letter to NASCAR.

Here are the things in NASCAR that make me, Cavs Owner Dan Gilbert, nearly as angry as thinking about LeBron:

1. No Camaro?
What are you doing Chevy?  No one wants to ride in an Impala. Putting the Camaro in NASCAR is a slam dunk (a dunk made by someone other than LeBron James).  I don’t know anyone who bought an Impala after Johnson’s four-peat.  And to add insult to cowardly injury, Chevy chose the Camaro to be the pace car for the Daytona 500.  The pace car!?!  If I’m not mistaken, that’s the car that goes 55 mph and then leaves when the real racing starts.  It’s as if Chevy got into the playoffs against the Boston Celtics and then quit in Game 2, 4, 5 and 6.


2. Why does Jeff Gordon get away with murder?
Why hasn’t anyone in NASCAR pointed out Gordon’s selfish, wreckless behavior.  Some people may disagree that Gordon’s recent driving is disrespectful, but I own the Cavs and I know something about working with a narcissistic, self-promotional person (who will respectfully remain unnamed… but his name rhymes with BeBron Bames).  Someone needs to stop Gordon the way the Cavs stopped being relevant the minute that LeBron announced he was leaving.

3. Why has no one punched Tom Logano yet?
I’ll do it.  Tell me where he is right now.  I’ve got plenty of time on my hands (no more playoffs or staying up late to see if the Cavs came back in the fourth quarter). I want to punch someone really badly and Joey’s dad needs to sit down like every other dad that watches racing.

4. Six Hundred Mile Races
Attention Charlotte and Atlanta.  The only thing I want to do for 600 miles is drive to my cabin in the Northwoods to hide and cry.  I don’t want to watch a six hour race anymore than I want to watch someone hold a one-hour press conference to rip the heart out of the city of Cleveland.

5. Kasey Kahne leaving RPM for "dream team" at Hendrick
Why would anyone want to play on a "dream team"?  Those teams are overrated.  It would be a lot better if Kahne stayed at RPM.  Kasey could stay with the organization that developed him and Kahne could enjoy the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame, the scenic Cuyahoga River and Browns football.

Wait.  I almost paid a compliment to the Cleveland Browns… who have I become?  I’m sorry LeBron.  Please, please come back.  I can change.  I’ll do anything to get you back. Anything.  You want Shaq?  Boozer?  Mark Price?  Just tell me what to do, I’m begging you.  Please come back.