Hey racing fans, Carl Edwards here for another addition of Carl’s Corner. This weekend marks the first time back at Atlanta since I flipped Brad Keselowski end over end in the spring race. Since that altercation, many slanderous things have been written about me and my "rage issues." Kevin Harvick even called me a "fake". Nothing makes me angrier than hearing lies spread about me, espcially lies that aren’t true.
I promise I won’t get too upset. I’d just like to spend a few minutes clearing up the misconceptions about me, my feud with Brad and my "rage" issues.
Misconception #1: I’m Angry All the Time
I don’t know where people get the impression that I’m ticking time bomb of rage just waiting to snap and go Bizerker. I’m a really happy guy.
People like being around me. I’m the life of the party. Yes, I tried to punch my teammate in the face on national TV. Yes, punched a grandma for wearing a Harvick shirt. And yes, I showed no remorse for wrecking Keselowski. Why am I the jerk? How many people do I need to punch to make you see I’m the victim?
Look at this picture:
Would an angry man let a Froggy get that close to his car? I rest my case.
Misconception #2: I’m a Fake
Can a ‘fake’ do a backflip out of a car? Can a ‘fake’ bench press two hundred pounds forty-four times in a row? I bet Kevin Harvick would call someone a fake just cause they’re a handsome guy with the plastic smile to hide the pain and anger in my heart. I WILL BREAK YOU HARVICK! I WILL MAKE YOU EAT MY TEARS!
Sorry, I don’t know where that came from. I apologize for that uncharacteristic outburst.
Misconception #3: I like to Pose Without My Shirt On
This is true. Shirts are so itchy, so tight and there are way too many kinds: T-shirts, long sleeve T-shirts, dress shirts, T-shirts that look like tuxedo shirts. AHHH! Shirts, you make me so angry! [sound of Carl ripping off his own shirt] Take that shirt! I’ll punch you in the face like you were Matt Kenseth. I WILL DESTROY YOU!
…I got a little worked up, but I promise to keep my temper under control.
Misconception #4: Back to the Anger Thing for a Second
How many people do I have to punch in the face before you realize I’m the good guy!?! This whole business with Brad Keselowski was blown way out of proportion.
AHHH! I feel like if I could just punch you in the face you’d see this my way. I’m getting so mad… HARVICK!… KESELOWSKI!… KENSETH!… [sound of punching kittens]… You’re the one with the problem… Stupid spell check on the computer… AHHHH!
* Disclaimer: Carl was busy yelling at the clerk at Jamba Juice for not adding enough blueberries to his Berry Yumbery(™) so he had a ghost-writer compose this week’s column for him.