Last fall Brad Keselowski surprised and delighted the crowd at Bristol with his driver introduction speech. Bristol is one of the few tracks that allow drivers to introduce themselves. Keselowski, NASCAR’s most derisive driver, took it one step further, grabbing the mic to declare "Kyle Busch is an ass!"
With Bristol just a week away, we turn the clock back to see how famous speeches from history would have been different had Keselowski written them.
Four score and seven years ago, our nation discovered Carl Edwards is a two-faced jerkwad. Now we are engaged in a great civil war and this crap is pissing me off. No matter what is said here, it won’t be half as bad as what he’s done here. Carl Edwards is a menace who shouldn’t be allowed to drive. To intentionally wreck someone, that’s not cool, dude. Totally not cool.
Friends, Romans, Countrymen. Lend me your ear. Kylius Titus Busch is an ass. You guys know him, he’s that chariot driver who steers his horses like a real dick. He’s just so cocky, I hate him. O judgement! Thou art fled reason and with it you’ve taken Kylius Busch’s balls, because he’s a numb-nuts.
Brad Has a Dream
I have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream that from the short tracks of Bristol to the super speedways of Talladega, a chorus of jeers will rain from the sky during Busch’s driver introduction.
It’s a dream that one day our children will grow up in a world where they hate Kyle Busch.
I have a dream that Kyle Busch wasn’t born a human, but rather is just a butt burp. A really stinky butt burp. This is our hope. This is the faith with which I will return to the ovals of NASCAR.
Brad’s Speech From Braveheart
Sons of Scotland, I am Brad Keseloski. Across this field is a very buff Carl Edwards. Fight and you may die, run and you may live. Look at that smug stupid face of Carl’s. Do you want to give him that satisfaction? Dying in your beds many years from now could you live with yourselves for letting a country bumpkin treat us like that? He may flip our cars, but he will never take our freedom!
Give Brad Liberty or Give Him Death
Give me Liberty or give me death. And if you can’t give me either of those things, then please give me a chance to wreck Denny Hamlin again. I hate his stupid face. He thinks he’s hot stuff because he beat me out for a spot on the Young Guns. I don’t even care about the stupid shaving cream award. The war is inevitable — and let it come! I repeat it, sir, let it come!