FORD RACING’S CONFIDENTIAL OFFER TO EARNHARDT-GANASSI

 

This week co-owner Chip Ganassi confirmed that Earnhardt-Ganassi would stay with Chevrolet next year. While Juan Pablo Montoya and Jamie McMurray will not be climbing behind the wheel of a Ford next year, confidential memos indicate Ford Racing made a generous bid to win over Chip Ganassi

There has not been a lot of good news for Ford recently. The contents of Ford’s offer make it clear they were committed to securing another race team.  Here are the confidential details of Ford Racing’s offer:

1. Enjoy "Detroit Perks" courtesy of Ford Racing
Being part of the Ford family means perks whenever you travel to Detroit.  Just hop on a plane bound for Detroit (you can always have a window seat because no one else is traveling to Detroit). While in Detroit, enjoy perks like:

- Tickets to the Detroit Lions – as many as you want, whenever you want them.
- Tigers tickets?  There are whole sections of the stadium where you will be the only person.  Pistons?  There are so many unused Pistons tickets, the homeless use them as toilet paper.  Unfortunately we can’t get Red Wings tickets (they are really tough to get).
- Want to move here to be closer to Ford Racing HQ?  Pick any square mile of Detroit, you can have it.  We recommend a nice spot on the water with a scenic overlook to Canada.


2. Guaranteed win in Ford 400 at Homestead
Of the last eight winners at the Ford 400, Six of them drove a Ford to Victory Lane.  Biffle, who drives a Ford, has won three times.  Carl Edwards, who drives a Ford, has the highest average finish at the track. We’ve rigged the race, it’s a lock.  Juan Pablo has been searching for a win at a non-road race track, just switch sides to Ford.  We can make the other 41 cars meet with an "accident" at Homestead.  The best part is that nobody cares because the Ford cars are so far away from a championship by the last race of the year that NASCAR allows us to fix the race.

3. Exclusive Harrison Ford privileges
Due to a contract he signed at the age of 18, Harrison Ford is the intellectual property of the Ford Motor Company.  When you sign with Ford Racing, you gain exclusive access for Harrison Ford to attend all staff birthday parties, retreats and holiday parties.  Harrison Ford will also wear costumes (Santa, clown, etc), but he will not hold any babies (Harrison Ford hates babies).

4. Racing a Ford Means Never Wasting Time in Victory Lane
With only two wins in the last thirty five races, we can virtually guarantee that you’ll be the first driver to leave the track every week.  None of that "waiting around in Victory Lane celebrating into the wee hours of the morning."  When you drive a Ford, you’ll never finish up front, you don’t have to deal of reporters, fame, fans, money or any of those distractions.  Just drive the car, finish a respectable 15th and then you’re home relaxing for an entire week.  We had a pretty good streak of not winning races going, until Greg Biffle spoiled it.

5. Price is Right Guest Appearances
Other drivers might hang out with Rihanna in convertibles, but with Ford Racing you get to hang with Drew Carey and make appearances on The Price is Right.  Who needs beautiful women in sports cars? you’re going to be giving away a Ford Fusion to a woman in a giant Ohio State sweatshirt.  One quick note: Ford drivers are not allowed to talk to the models on the Price is Right, they’re Chevy fans.