PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF ANIMALS
501 Front Street
Norfolk, VA, 23510
Ms. Ingrid E. Newkirk,
We at Guinness have received your letter regarding PETA’s complaints about KFC’s attempt to set a world record for the largest group chicken dance this Sunday at Talladega, home of the Aaron’s 499 race. If there is one thing that Guinness World Records prides itself on, it is propriety. Your plea has not fallen on deaf ears.
In addition to en-drunkening the Irish, and publishing books that line toilet tanks worldwide, Guinness is known for one thing and that one thing is respect for animals.
Who can deny that worldwide opinion of barnyard athleticism was not raised to new heights when our organization dutifully recorded the world’s highest jump by a pig? Were not goats taken more seriously after we publicized the record-setting width of "Uncle Sam’s" longest domestic goat horns (52 inches)? Did we not shine a bright beacon of hope for harmony within the animal kingdom when we documented the oldest kinkajou living in captivity, giving proof to the world that humans and huggy bears can coexist in peace?
Some might suggest that your letter was a waste of time and will not be taken seriously by people who were present to see the most sheep shorn in eight hours. To the contrary, we think your letter will accomplish much good. By trying to prevent people from flapping their arms and kicking their feet to an oom-pah song in a group setting, we believe that we can prevent the inhumane practices your organization alleges that KFC undertakes.
Sad to say, KFC may proceed with this promotion, as is its right. But if because of our actions here even just one person at a wedding somewhere pauses during the bridge of the song – the part normally reserved for dancers to move about like airplanes (as if chickens could fly!) – then won’t we have made a difference?
It is in the spirit of the chicken dance, odious as we find the act, that we link arms with PETA and swing with you in the name of animal justice. And may our actions repeat themselves faster and faster, and our battle against injustice accelerate at a dizzying pace, until all animal cruelty comes to a sudden, complete and unexpected stop.
Editor-In-Chief of Guinness World Records