Today I will answer the most commonly asked question about NASCAR, acording to ask.com. It is not "Who will win the Chase?" or "What brand of hair gel does Jeff Gordon use?" It is "How do NASCAR drivers use the bathroom?" The truth is, NASCAR drivers are real people just like you and me, and they use the bathroom just like us … one leg at a time. No, wait, I must be thinking of something else, because the merchants of speed have their own unique ways of passing water.
Some drivers go faster when they get the urge to make lemonade. Many races have been won in record time because the winning driver really, really had to tap a kidney. This itself presents a problem, because the cameras don’t let the winning driver out of frame for at least an hour after the race. The solution? The winning driver waits until someone sprays water, beer or champagne on him and lets go. Ahhhh … sweet relief … and no one suspects a thing.
There are more options for losing drivers who don’t have cameras following their every move. For instance, there’s the "just hold it and think about baseball" trick. Oh wait, I’m thinking about something else again. Never mind.
A driver who finishes in the top 10 still has a good chance of being assaulted by camera crews, but he may be able to run from his car for a quick "splash and go" before talking to the media. Drivers who do not interest the media can saunter over to the nearest Porta Potty and tinkle at leisure.
The options for those who have to go mid-race are fewer. There’s the, "Oh, hell, I’m in 38th place and no one wants to talk to me anyway" approach, which means the driver just lets loose in his fire suit and hopes no one notices that both he and his car smell like asparagus.
The other approach is to spin the car and wait for a ride to the infield care center. We all have seen those incidents. One car spins out by itself with no other cars nearby. Now you know the truth… that guy really has to pee.
We know where the 5 truck is going.
I hope this answers all of your questions about the bathroom habits of NASCAR drivers. I guess I could have just started out by telling you the truth – that in most cases drivers sweat out every bit of fluid from their bodies during a race and don’t need to urinate. The human body only eliminates what it doesn’t need. If it needs the fluid, it keeps it. In fact, it is not unusual for a driver to lose five to seven pounds and a pants size or two during especially hot races such as those at Talladega. I know this to be a fact because I once drank six 20-ounce drinks while attending a July race at Talladega and didn’t have to go until much later that night when my body finally hydrated. If it is that intense for a fan in the stands, imagine what it must be like for a driver sitting right behind a V-8 engine running 8,000 rpm in the Alabama sun. I could have told you all of that up front, but what fun would that have been?
Unless of course you were wondering how drivers move their bowels during a race. The answer is simple – they don’t. They don’t even joke about it. They just eat lots of cheese, avoid bran muffins and hope for the best.