The Web site Stockholm Pride has a tool that scan a Twitter feed to gauge its level of heterosexuality. The Web site is run by people who want to know “how heteronormativity effects the everyday life of homosexual, bisexual and transgender persons.” OK … sure. Never mind all that. The important thing here is that the Internet has provided us with a tool that judges the heterosexuality of athletes – and everyone else you know – via Twitter.
Not every driver is on Twitter, which is a shame because I think we all want to know how Jeff Gordon would score on this thing. Nevertheless, I entered the Twitter addresses of several Sprint Cup drivers and have posted the results below. Please remember that this tool is neither scientific nor definitive and I put zero credibility in these results. It was, however, fun to learn that Kyle Petty is NASCAR’s uber-hetero while Robby Gordon apparently vacations on Fire Island.
The “found words” are words pulled from each user’s feed. They appear to be trigger words that indicate that the user is either very hetero or not very hetero.
Kyle Petty: 94 percent hetero
Found words: shop, blow, bike, office, pickup
My note: Kyle Petty, you are all man.
Marcos Ambrose: 89 percent hetero
Found words: new york, bob, shop, bucket, cars
My note: Apparently, Tweeting the words “new york” makes you less hetero in the eyes of the Swedes.
Bobby Labonte: 88 percent hetero
Found words: birthday party, new hampshire, shopping, shop, fishing
My note: Since when are birthday parties not hetero? Is it slang for something I don’t know about?
Sam Hornish both helps and hurts his cause.
Sam Hornish: 80 percent
Found words: shop, steak
My note: Hornish might shop like a non-hetero, but he eats steak like a hetero!
David Ragan: 78 percent hetero
Found words: bob, parade, new hampshire, pickup, cars
My note: Bob is a hetero trigger word? I don’t even want to know.
Elliott Sadler: 76 percent hetero
Found words: coming out, monster, master, new york, deliverance
My note: This score would have been different if his clubbing attire was a factor.
Juan Pablo Montoya: 74 percent hetero
Found words: miami, bodega, shop, connie, bob
My note: JPM’s probable response – “It’s unfair. It’s a rip-off. It’s absolutely a rip-off. You know what I mean? It’s incredible.”
Kevin Harvick: 56 percent hetero
Found words: shop, gym, cars, hockey, soccer
My note: There is no way of knowing for sure, but one can only guess that the inclusion of hockey makes one more hetero and the inclusion of soccer makes one less hetero. This is just a hunch.
Ryan Newman: 55 percent hetero
Found words: shop, chopper, new hampshire, booth, the george
My note: Booth? The George? What do they do with booths and guys named The George in Sweden?
Michael Waltrip: 40 percent hetero
Found words: bitch, ass, bumper, birdie, bi coastal
My note: I am pretty sure there is no Bi Coastal Day Parade in San Francisco. Once again, I accuse the Swedes of failing to grasp the sophisticated nuances of the English language.
Robby Gordon: 19 percent hetero
Found words: monster, ass, available, coming out, drinks
My note: Um…
Just for fun, I ran @NASCAR, the official Twitter feed for NASCAR, through the evaluator. NASCAR turned up 85 percent hetero. The found words were “fame, new hampshire, bob, booth and truck.” NASCAR is the No. 2 spectator sport in the country, second only to the NFL. The NFL’s Twitter feed clocked in at 87 percent hetero with the found words “fame, bob, outrageous, football and basketball.”
Next I entered my personal Twitter account, @joedonatelli, and discovered that, at 77 percent, I am slightly more heterosexual than Elliott Sadler and slightly less heterosexual than David Ragan. My found words were “gym, new york, west hollywood, blow and available,” all of which would seem to indicate that my score should have been much, much lower. Finally I ran @allleftturns – this site’s Twitter page – through the engine. The results said “@allleftturns doesn’t use cliché words. We like that.”
Guess we must be pretty open-minded around here.
You can check out the tool at How Hetero?