HOW TO SPOT A NASCAR-BASED RAPTURE


While reports of an upcoming rapture were a bit premature, it’s always a good idea to review the signs to be well-prepared. You’d hate to be in the middle of planning a successful NASCAR BBQ only to find out that the rapture will make your cookout plans moot. It’s common knowledge that ancient prophecies predicted that a NASCAR-based rapture would come to pass, taking all the good drivers to a NASCAR nirvana and leaving only drivers ranked 26th and higher (marking yet another event where Joey Logano is left behind).

Everyone has a theory about when to expect the rapture, the druids predicted that the existence of FOX’s cartoon mascot Digger would signal an impending apocalypse while Aztec priests warned of an omen called ‘Boogity, Boogity, Boogity.’

Sorting through the predictions of theologians can be a bore, so here is a sure-fire guide to the signs of an impending NASCAR Rapture.

1. Dale Jr In Victory Lane
Easily the number one sign of an impending rapture. If Dale Jr. ever took the checked flag don’t worry about returning those library books, because the world will quickly come to an end.


The number 88 combined with the number 1 are seen as bad luck in every culture. Lucky this event is so rare that you don’t have to worry about planning for the rapture any time soon.

2. Metal Mullets on NASCAR Transformers

The NASCAR Transformers (an evil conjured by the dark sorcerer Michael Bay) debuted at the Daytona 500 this year. What they didn’t debut was that the NASCAR robots in the new Transformers movie have metal mullets and are described as having "lower then average intelligence." Hopefully Dale Jr. will win a race before the movie’s release, thus saving all of us from having to watch it (although we hear Megan Fox’s short-shorts turn in an Oscar-worthy performance).

3. "Your 2011 Champion: Brad Keseloski"

Since days of yore, oracles knew the danger Brad Keselowski possessed. It was written by the druids hundreds of years ago: “And a young man will take the wheel in Rusty Wallace’s ride and the ground shall tremble.” Carl Edwards spent the entire season last year thwarting this prophecy, but Edwards can’t do it alone. With Brad’s talent, it’s only a matter of time before Keselowski wins the Cup, thus ending life as we know it.

4. NASCAR Newest Sponsor, MaxiPads

As Ricky Bobby foretold, the world will never be ready for a car adorned with a feminine hygiene product. It is so mind-blowing that the mere thought of MaxiPads on a car triggers earthquakes. While NASCAR officials have made a blood-oath never to allow such a sponsor, who knows if they will stick to it (they let Kim Kardashian sponsor a car last year).

5. ‘Have At It Boys’ Replaced By ‘Let’s Be Gentlemen About It’
If the day ever arrives that two drivers can’t settle their differences on the track, in the garage or the infield, it will be the last day on earth. What would Kevin Harvick do if he had to act like a gentleman all the time? It’s impossible.

More articles by this author
Johnson Uses ‘Most Influencial’ Title For Evil
Ryan Newman’s Retaliation Reference Manual
NASCAR, The Offical Sport of North Carolina?