JOHNSON USES ‘MOST INFLUENTIAL’ TITLE FOR EVIL


Jimmie Johnson has been named the most influential athlete by Forbes Magazine. This honor is given to the athlete with the most likability, high awareness in the public eye and horseshoes wedged in uncomfortable places. Johnson beat out Tom Brady, Shaq, Michael Phelps and Dale Jr for this year’s title. 

Johnson wasted no time in wielding the power of his new position to issue a set of impossible demands. For those who thought Johnson’s ego couldn’t get any bigger after his Best Driver ESPY, the ‘Most Influencial’ title has embolded him to new heights of pomposity.

Jimmie Johnson has parlayed his newly anointed influence for the purposes of evil. Here are his latest demands:

Demands Tyler Perry Status: NASCAR must be renamed "Jimmie Johnson Presents NASCAR"


Jimmie’s chutzpah is unparalleled. Upon receiving his title from Forbes he demanded that NASCAR be renamed in his honor. NASCAR officials quickly acquiesced, which is why Sunday’s race will be the first for the newly re-named “Jimmie Johnson Presents NASCAR” series. Taking a page from entertainment mogul, Tyler Perry, Jimmie will be putting his name in front of all official Jimmie Johnson Presents NASCAR products. Additionally, Jimmie’s grandma (really just Jimmie in drag) will appear as a studio guest for all pre-race coverage.

Move Charlotte Speedway’s World’s Largest TV in his Home
This week Charlotte Motor Speedway unveiled the world’s largest HDTV on the backstretch between Turns 2 and 3. The HDTV, which is larger than the front of the White House, will provide spetacular sight lines for fans at this month’s All-Star race…. or it would have. The world’s most influential athlete wasted no time in forcing race officials to move the two-hundred foot, 720p HDTV to his suburban home. Jimmie plans to use the TV to watch videos of the lake behind his house that is now obscured by the world’s largest HDTV.

Kyle Busch’s Nickname Will Be Changed Back to Shrub
‘His name shall be Shrub,’ sayeth Johnson. With that declaration, Rowdy is now known as Shrub Busch. Of all the nefarious ways Johnson has wielded his new power, this is the only move celebrated by the common man.

Johnson Forces Guns N’ Roses to Reunite

Proving that he really is the most influential athlete in the world, Jimmie Johnson forced a peace accord to bring the original GnR back together. Jimmie has done the impossible, reuniting two musicians whose mutual hatred makes the Arab-Israeli feud look like Mondays on the View.  Under the stipulations of the accord, all copies of Chinese Democracy will be destroyed, Axel has to remove those ridiculous dreadlocks and Slash has agreed not to speak in public.

Johnson Gets Shamrock Shake To Be Served Year-Round
Being the world’s most influential athlete means that when you want a Shamrock Shake, you can get one. Jimmie doesn’t care if it’s summer, he wants a mint-flavored, green-dyed vanilla milkshake. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have enough influence to prevent people from drawing a correlation between his favorite flavor of shake (vanilla) and his unambiguously bland persona.

More articles by this author
Ryan Newman’s Retaliation Reference Manual
NASCAR, The Offical Sport of North Carolina?
Your Girlfriend vs. NASCAR