Greetings BBQ fans and happy 4th of July! It’s Hall of Fame Spotter Tug Nunn here to steer you clear of the wreckage that happens at bad barbecues. My day job is serving as the eyes and ears of some of racing’s most famous drivers. Today I’m giving you the keys to a successful BBQ.
Key #1: Know the Track
Scout the site of your picnic. I built a catbird seat in my backyard that is used exclusively to scout cookouts (and to look down the shirts of the ladies.) Follow my simple rules and you will have more fun than the rest of the pack.
Turn 1: Easiest way to find the hard-core drinkers: when everyone gets in line for burgers, look for the only guys who do not stand up. These are the men to sit with. They understand that a burger and a cold beer is a solemn occasion not to be interrupted by conversation.
Turn 2: It’s never too early to hit the dessert table. If the burger line is too long, go for the brownies and never look back.
Turn 3: Know the location of the grill. While all those sheep wait in line for a burger, you can go right to the source and lap the competition.
Turn 4: Steer clear of open areas. An open spot at a cookout is a prime location for dancing or dumb group games. If you sit too close, you will be dragged into participating. Your primary goal is to eat burgers. Do not jeopardize the mission.
Key #2: Croquet? More like Cro-No-Way-K!
I’ve thrown out my back 15 times. The first ten were during Indian leg wrestling competitions. (I will not back down from a fight, Ricky Rudd!) The only man I will not Indian Leg Wrestle is Juan Pablo Montoya. JPM has thighs like a figure skater… a figure skater with giant thighs!
Key #3: Never Team Up With Your Nephew for Cornhole
There is a name for the folks who do not think cornhole is a fun way to pass the time. Those people are called losers. Cornhole is an excellent way to burn calories (always be thinking of making more room for another brat or burger) and an excellent showcase of your athletic ability.
Don’t screw it up by teaming up with your nephew. He’s not paying attention because he’s texting. Plus, he won’t be much for conversation. He doesn’t even know who Robby Gordon is.
Key #4: Never Forget the Saturday Night Race
Be sure to scope out the TV situation early. The race coverage starts at 7:30 pm ET. You don’t want the kids to sneak in there and put on the Madagascar DVD 15 minutes before the race starts.
Key #5: Have Fun
Remember to enjoy the day. It’s Independence Day. You’ve earned a three-day weekend. Kick back, relax and enjoy it, Tug Nunn-style.