On Wednesday President Obama is scheduled to meet with Jimmie Johnson, Mark Martin and several former NASCAR champions. In an All Left Turns exclusive, we have obtained a senior-level staffer's notes to the president's speech-writing team. These documents show the White House's attempts to get the president up to speed on stock car racing.
Talking Points for the President regarding NASCAR
1. Pretend it's the Chicago Bulls
President Obama is likely to be very bored when he meets these motorsports drivers. Tell him that NASCAR is just like basketball. If he can picture in his mind that he's meeting Michael Jordan and the rest of the 1991 Chicago Bulls, then he should have a good time.
2. Plug Sponsors
By watching interviews on TV, staffers have learned that NASCAR drivers like to reference their sponsors. To make them feel comfortable, make sure to thank Ritz crackers for the "wine and cheese" spread and thank the engine department at Boeing and the Air Force for Air Force One. Anything having to do with sponsorship is a good thing
3. Avoid Juan Pablo Montoya's Dreamy Eyes
Prevent the president from staring directly into Juan Pablo Montoya
's dreamy eyes. Those eyes will charm him, and the president will forget all about health care reform, beer summits and picking Supreme Court justices. Montoya will romance the president just like Mexican President Felipe Calderon did.
4. Keep an Eye on Darrell Waltrip
If he gets into the moonshine, Waltrip could become a wild card who will do donuts in White House South Lawn
if given the opportunity. Don't rile him up by referencing anything having to do with racing "three wide into the turns" or boogity-boogity-boogities.
5. Topics to Avoid
- The fuel-efficiency of the cars. The "Car of Tomorrow" averages five miles per gallon. It's one of those "Don't ask, Don't Tell" topics.
- Will Danica Patrick
cross over? They are all really sick of talking about it.
- Don't ask where the black drivers are. Just ... don't.