"Gentlemen, start your engines!" are the four most famous words in motorsports. I can’t wait to hear those words every weekend from February to November. But what about all of the other words in motorsports? After copious hours of research, here are the least famous words in all of motorsports.
1. "Gentlemen, here comes another Digger cartoon!”
Really? Did Caddyshack II teach us nothing? No one wants to see more gophers. We get it, FOX. You want to trick children into watching NASCAR. But why punish us with a cartoon? You already have 43 colorful cars traveling at 200 mph. And if you’re at Bristol they run into each other the whole time. Please drop the cartoon before I strangle myself with one of Jeff Hammond’s bolo ties.
2. "And (insert your favorite driver) is two laps down."
Nothing guarantees a more frustrating day in motorsports fandom than NOT watching your driver for 500 miles because he is not in the top ten. If the Green Bay Packers are beating your Dallas Cowboys by ten points, at least you still get to watch the Cowboys play. (Although I bet the Detroit Lions wish TV would add that “witness protection bar” to hide their faces.)
3. "Gentlemen, the trackside temperature just broke 100 degrees!"
I enjoy watching a race in-person. I like hanging out with friends and I love the thunderous engine noise that shakes your whole body and makes it impossible to carry on a conversation longer than "Whoa! Did you see that?" Unfortunately, I’m not a big “Sitting In the Sun on Aluminum Seats that Serve as a Convention Oven” guy. NASCAR, I would enjoy more races in April and fewer in July. Or maybe you could invent a machine to block out the sun like Mr. Burns did on The Simpsons.
4. "We’re in a rain delay, so let’s get another recap of the race.”
We know. You’re stalling for time. You know what would make a rain delay fun? Take the cameras down to the infield and watch the drivers joke around and hang out in their sweet RVs. You know what’s boring? Hearing Chris Myers analyze a race that’s only 30 laps old. I don’t want to see another replay of that exciting pass on lap two, because it was only lap two!
5. "Gentlemen, the concourse bathrooms have flooded!"
Nobody likes to hear that. Especially the teenage kid who works the "Happy Time Funnel Cake" stand right next to the bathroom. He’s already suffering the indignity of wearing a silly hat. And you know his manager’s a jerk.