Who says there are no jobs out there? Opportunities abound in the world of auto racing for people with the right skills. Check out these employment ads and other classifieds from the pages of the Turn Two Tradin’ Post from near Charlotte somewhere…

WANTED: Nanny for three talented, but rambunctious little boys: Kyle, Denny and Joey. Extensive travel. Conflict resolution skills a must as boys sometimes fail to play well with others. Children are potty-trained, but often potty mouthed. Soap will be provided. Inquire at Joe Gibbs Racing and ask for J.D.

WITCH DOCTOR NEEDED: NASCAR racing team in desperate need of mojo to get first win in four years. Money is no object. Bring voodoo charms, rabbit’s feet, or golden horse shoe to Hendrick Motorsports. Ask for Junior. Caution: ignore anyone named Chad.

 

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN? We’ve heard rumors he’s still racing, but we haven’t seen him lately. A former Cup champion, he answers to “Bobby,” he’s 5-foot-9 in height, with brown hair and blues and speaks with a Texas drawl. If found, please return to the Labonte family or Daytona International Speedway.

EMPLOYMENT WANTED: NASCAR driver with five full years of Sprint Cup experience seeking a new team. Occasionally accident prone; choose to think of it as camera time for your sponsor. Has one career victory, says prayers, willing to eat vegetables, doesn’t scream on the radio and has a charming smile. Did I mention I have a win? Please contact David R. at 1-800-PLEASE-HIRE.

DRIVING LESSONS: I am one of the best there is, if you doubt it, just ask me. Specialty is road rage and tail gating for long periods of time. Willing to offer my expertise to anyone who asks, and even a few that don’t. For reference- see Mark Martin. Want to know more, contact me, Juan P. Montoya at www.legendinmyownmind, dot-com.

TEAM PSYCHOLOGIST NEEDED: Light case load, with only one client-a former NASCAR champion- but one sure to offer you job security. Must be skilled in anger management counseling, getting client out of touch from his all-too-well-known inner child, and convincing client he really is having fun in spite of a change of competitive potential. Interviewing for February hire date. Send resume to James Finch at Phoenix Racing.

****PERSONAL****

Gee, Mr. Jeff Gordon, I sure feel bad about what happened at Talladega last October, leaving you to fend for yourself and all. I’m sure hoping you won’t lay a wheel on me at Daytona next month. Can we still be friends? Call me. Sincerely, Trevor B.

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FOUND: Voodoo doll in the likeness of Kyle Busch. No one has claimed it, but the initials “R.C.” were found written in Sharpie on Kyle’s backside. May claim with no questions asked by contacting Eddie Gossage, Texas Motor Speedway.

SHOP CUSTODIAN NEEDED IMMEDIATELY: Appear in person at Tommy Baldwin Racing. After being dumped on by his former employer and sponsor, David Reutimann needs a good scrubbin’. Experience with canine fecal matter removal helpful. Must bring own pooper scooper and power washer.

The Turn Two Tradin’ Post is open for bidness from 9 am to 5 pm Monday through Friday, ‘cept for when Luther goes to lunch from 12 pm to 1 pm. Sometimes we lock up to go git the mail from 10:00-10:15, but not on Tuesdays, when he meets up with Mayor Crook for coffee. Then he gits the mail at 11:00. Sometimes we maht be closed on Wednesday on account of fishin.’ If we ain’t got any bites by noon, then we open up, ‘cept when Luther’s Stoodybaker breaks down. Then he hasta call his cousin Cletus to come git ‘im.

Maybe ya’ll should just call first.

Other articles by Jim McCoy include:

2012 and The Car Vs. Driver Question
Songs As NASCAR Awards- 2011 Edition
NASCAR Letters To Santa