DOB: September 17, 1975
Hometown: El Cajon, Calif.
Jimmie Johnson was assembled on Sept. 17, 1975, from entirely synthetic materials. Purpose-built for only one thing – kicking ass at the race track – he began training shortly after he was activated and has been winning races ever since.
Exploding onto the Sprint Cup scene in 2002, Johnson started off his first full season by winning the pole position for the Daytona 500. He finished 15th (most probably due to a glitch in his microprocessor), but being the winning machine that he is, Johnson quickly adapted to the high level of competition and he won three races, including a sweep of both Dover races.
Although he met with similar success for the next three seasons, he really kicked it into overdrive in 2006 with five wins and a championship. He followed that performance with a staggering 10 wins and another title in 2007 and eights wins and yet another title in 2008 … and 2009 doesn’t look to be much different. In fact, Johnson’s internal power cell is not set to expire until 2069, so we’ll be seeing a lot more of him in victory lane.
Seeing as how Johnson is not human, there is not much controversy surrounding his career unless you count the time his crew chief Chad Knaus dropped the f-bomb on national television or was suspended for four races in 2006 for failing a post-qualifying inspection at the Daytona 500. Unlike Johnson, Knaus is human save for the cybernetic implant in his brain that uplinks him to the Hendricks Cray mainframe in Charlotte and gives him access to any technical data he needs to help his driver win races.
There was also a minor uproar when he suffered a fractured wrist after falling out of a golf cart in December 2006. Since it was the off-season, legions of bored motorsports reporters had to know exactly how he had fallen from a golf cart. The uproar became known as "Wristgate" until Johnson’s spokesperson announced that he had fractured it "horsing around" on top of a golf cart.
That’s rather odd behavior for a synthetic athlete, but we here at ALT believe the entire incident was staged by the scientists at Hendrick Motorsports to make Johnson appear more human, and it’s not the first time. In 2009 they gave him simulated beard stubble for that classic Tony Stewart "just rolled out of bed and can’t find my razor" look. Their masterpiece, however, was the design and construction of wife Chandra.
Chandra was purpose-built to be smokin’ hot. Such beauty could not occur by nature alone, but only with the help of Hendrick scientists.
By now, you must be thinking to yourself: If Johnson is not human, why is he not winning more and why does he sometimes wreck? Once again, it must because the Hendrick scientists want him to appear more human. So, if you seen him wreck next weekend, just know that he’ll be back.