This just in…..thanks to the National Security Agency, we have gained access to a few email messages bound for the North Pole. Among them are messages are a few from names familiar to the residents of NASCAR Nation.
Here are some we found:
I’m not always on the “nice” list, but you have to admit I’ve been more good than bad this year. For most of the year, I was either bedridden, asleep, or in a very happy place thanks to my pain meds. I’ve got a really big ask for this Christmas. With all my hotheaded friends joining my team, I need a minister, a team psychiatrist, a bartender and some soothing New Age music for my iPod. I think I’m gonna need it.
‘Sup my big, portly buddy! I hope I don’t seem too informal, it’s just that we’ve become so chummy over the years. Thanks for the new trophy. For Christmas this year, I need a new shelf for my trophy room, and a glass case for my golden horseshoe (secured with three locks, please.) Now whatever you do, don’t lose my address; I was starting to get worried for a couple of years.
It’s me, the patron saint of lost causes. I’m putting in a good word for the loyal, longsuffering fans of a certain popular driver. These aren’t greedy people, but the feeling is that two wins over a seven year period seems like such lame reward for such perseverance. Think of it this way: with a handful of gifts, you could make a lot of boys and girls happy. Heck you may not need to give Junior Nation anything for several years to come if you just give them one championship.
Think about it,
Was I really that bad in 2012? This past season was one big, major lump of coal. I got hurt, my cars didn’t work and I suffered the indignity of watching Joey Freaking Logano make the chase. I could have been a real knucklehead, but I think I kept it together pretty well. This Christmas, I don’t want anything fancy. I’ve lost my mojo, and I want it back. Please?
It’s your old pal Mark. You remember that time in high school when me, you and Moses souped up your sleigh in auto shop? Those were good times, weren’t they? I never did get that championship, but I did get the enjoyment of racing for far longer than most guys do. I don’t think I’ll need anything real bag, maybe a case of Ensure, a new tube of Dentucreme, a new overstuffed chair for my office at my car dealership, and one of those cool scooters like Clint Bowyer and Matt Kenseth had in that commercial. That should do it. Oh, and maybe some of those scented candles to get rid of that old man smell.
Call me when you get ready for your January vacation,
P.S. (Sshhh. If you could throw in a pack of Depends, just in case.)
It’s Denny Hamlin again. Here’s Joey Logano’s stocking. I think some diapers, a binky, a rectal thermometer and a little pink blanky might make a nice gift pack for the little guy. Just a suggestion.
Just trying to help,
#$@$ &%*@*@ !!!!&%$ *&#@#@ #@!*%
Oh, uh Santa,
It’s me, Kurt. Forget that last email. You weren’t supposed to get that; Jimmie Johnson was. Sorry to bother you. It was Kyle’s idea. By the way, don’t forget, I am over at Stewart-Haas now.
With a contrite heart,
Hello Mr. Claus,
There was a time I really didn’t feel I needed you much, what with all those races I was winning, but right now, I could use a real favor. It’s suddenly occurred to me I’m kind of the old man in NASCAR now, what with Martin retiring and who knows whether we’ll ever see Bobby Labonte or Jeff Burton racing full-time ever again. I need a gift pack with some Just For Men, gift certificates for Botox treatments, and maybe some of that stuff they sell in the back of magazines to keep me feeling youthful. Remember my request for a Drive For Five? I’m still asking.
Thank you sir,
P.S.- Please send Clint Bowyer some Aloe Vera for his poison ivy, compliments of me