North Carolina’s Senate approved a bill this week to make stock car racing the official state sport of North Carolina. While the bill needs approval from the State Assembly before it becomes law, the substance of the bill has raised spirited debate. Not since the Obama-NASCAR conspiracy has government intervention in racing caused such a stir.
The opponents furiously argue that the policy implications of this bill are unacceptable. Like a Logano-Harvick feud, this argument is all talk at the moment. However, if NASCAR becomes the official sport of North Carolina there are several shocking ramifications that grant NASCAR and it’s drivers special perks.
Here are the top five perks from the bill:
1. Kyle Busch Can Claim Diplomatic Immunity
One of the provisions of the bill to make NASCAR the official state sport of North Carolina gives Kyle Busch diplomatic immunity to commit any crime within the state borders. This extends beyond the crime of ‘being a jerk’ and ‘wrecking other drivers without purpose.’ Kyle Busch could kill a man and walk away scot free. Legal experts contend he will still be liable for forcing an unassuming American public to watch his wedding on reality TV.
2. Kasey Kahne Deep Blue Eyes A Licensed National Treasure
In an effort to placate women voters in North Carolina, the State Senate included a rider to the bill that would officially mark Kasey Kahne’s eyes as a National Treasure. While the move is purely pandering, all of North Carolina’s Legislatures agreed in a vote of 62-4 that they get lost in those baby blues. Kasey Kahne’s eyes are so vexing that even Nicolas Cage has a conspiracy theory about them.
3. Duke Forced To Change Mascot
Duke and UNC alumni lobbied hard to get college basketball to be named the official state sport. After they lost the fight, a lot of bitterness still resided in the "college basketball camp." A deal was struck to please nearly every basketball fan in North Carolina: Duke University will be legally obligated to change their mascot to the Duke Crybabies.
4. Richard Petty’s Mustache on Order of Historical Places
In a similar move to Kasey Kahne’s eyes, the North Carolina Senate moved to add Richard Petty’s mustache to the list of historical places. This would prevent anyone from trimming, shaving or grooming the mustache in a manner that would ‘alter it’s awesomeness.’ The law will also force Kyle Petty to shave his.
5. Wilmington, NC will be renamed Hamlin-ton, NC
Why rename Wilmington after Denny Hamlin? Because it’s a town that everyone liked, but no one takes seriously anymore.