Hot off the heals of Iowa’s straw poll, the news is ripe with presidential candidates jostling for the 2012 Presidential election. No clear leader has emerged with fresh ideas to inspire the American people which means America needs a fresh start.
America needs someone with the nerves of steel to ride door-to-door at 200mph, the endurance to last six hundred miles at Atlanta and the patience to sit next to Kyle Busch in a drivers’ meeting. NASCAR isn’t going to politely visit the White House; It’s going to tear up the front yard, build a racing Mount Rushmore and get this country back on track because America needs a NASCAR President.
Here are the most likely NASCAR candidates for president.
Jeff Burton – Known for his cool head on the track and his diplomatic nature in the garage, Jeff Burton would be a great choice to run for president. However, in order for Burton’s campaign to be successful, he’s going to need older brother Ward Burton to step it up. Every president needs a crazy brother: Bill Clinton had Rodger, Jimmy Carter had Billy and George Washington had Freddie ‘Boom Boom’ Washington.
Ward Burton will need to get arrested for crashing his car into the pool at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont while in the company of the Oakland Raiders Cheerleaders. Jeff Burton’s campaign will hinge on the ability of Ward Burton’s disgrace.
The King – Need someone to steer the economy back to prosperity? Elect the driver with 200 wins, seven NASCAR championships and one kick-ass mustache. Richard Petty notched 200 wins in a little over 1,100 races, meaning that he won nearly one of every five times he got behind the wheel. That’s the very definition of a track record. Congressional skirmishes are no match for the man who walked unscratched from a 1988 crash in which his car flipped seven times, collided with another car and spun another three times. All others are pretenders to the throne, it’s The King in 2012.
Carl Edwards – Carl Edwards is the perfect candidate: he’s tall, good-looking and never says anything that could be construed as an opinion. However, he’s got just enough crazy rage bottled up inside to be an excellent wild card president. What congressman, terrorist or foreign leader is going to challenge him? If Matt Kenseth can provoke Edwards to flash fists of fury, think what President Edwards would do to North Korean leader Kim Jong Il.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. – Junior would push to victory in the Southern states like he was bump drafting at Daytona. Once in the lead, experts wonder if he can maintain the momentum of those early wins into the thick of the primary season? Past experience would indicate Junior could run, look like he would win, gamble on pit strategy, run out of gas and then get passed right before the election by Kevin Harvick. And no one wants to see a Kevin Harvick Presidency.