NASCAR officials have deliberated on a new point system behind closed doors for several weeks now. According to inside sources, officials have chosen a new system after carefully evaluating several simpler formulas or even abandoning The Chase altogether.
According to inside sources, here are the rejected formulas for a new point system.
1. Jessica Alba Index
Under this formula, NASCAR officials would meet with Jessica Alba every Sunday night at a nice restaurant of her choosing. Ms. Alba would rank the drivers’ performances and award points accordingly. This system has been championed by the better looking drivers (Kahne, Bowyer, Kvapil) who would presumably be favored by the model-actress. Officials compare the index to college basketball’s Coaches Poll, except the pasty-white, overweight coaches would be replaced by Jessica Alba in a bikini. This system was unanimously accepted by NASCAR officials, but rejected by Ms. Alba.
2. Pointe System (with a Little ‘e’ at the end of ‘Point’)
In this system each driver is awarded points based on how many drivers they beat with Dale Jr. earning double points. In addition to its simplicity, the system would reward consistency, skill and crowd favorite Dale Earnhardt Jr. This system was rejected only after it was discovered that the idea was submitted by Dale Jr. himself who had snuck into the meeting with a fake mustache.
3. Team-Based Points
Inspired by Hanna-Barbera’s Laff-a-Lympics, all the drivers would be grouped into three teams ("Scooby Doobies," "The Yogi Yahooeys," and "The Really Rottens.") Each week the aggregate score for all the drivers on a team would be compared to the other teams. The team with the highest total would be declared winner for that week. This would make every driver’s final place count: The race for 25th would be as important as the race for first. Brad Keselowski (25th in the Sprint Cup last year) is very excited about this system. Just like the Laff-a-Lympics, the final race of the season would be on the moon.
4. Top of the Car System
To tabulate a winner under this system, NASCAR officials simply take a driver with the lowest numbered car. Hello David Reutimann and good-bye Carl Edwards. This system pays very little consideration to driver skill, team research or race strategy. The upside to this system is that the Coca-Cola 600 would be about five hours shorter and Jeff Gordon could finally beat Jimmie Johnson. Historians note that under this system, former Boston Celtics center Robert Parish (No. 00) would have been crowned NASCAR champ for ten consecutive years.
5. Current Point System
The current system couldn’t be simpler:
The winner of each race is awarded 185 points. Second place receives fifteen points less than 185 and third place receives five points less than second (this is so easy I shouldn’t even have to go on). The person in fourth can actually finish with more points than the driver in third if they finish fourth while leading the most laps in the race. Then, twenty-six races into the season the top twelve drivers’ points are reset to five thousand points plus bonus points for wins in the first twenty-six races. That means that someone might be in second place before the points are reset and then eighth afterwards (Jeff Gordon in 2010). If the system ain’t completely incomprehensible, why fix it?