Ryan Newman and Juan Pablo tangled with fists in NASCAR's hauler after tangling on the track last weekend. NASCAR's 'Have At It, Boys' policy will be put to the test. In the eye-for-an-eye world of NASCAR retaliations there are a series of unwritten laws that dictate what is the appropriate retaliation for a racing injustice. The unwritten code is complex and contingent on a number of variables.
Never one to be mistaken as NASCAR's Miss Manners, Ryan Newman recently shared his unwritten laws for retaliating on the track.
Bumped by Tony Stewart ----- No action, it's just "Stewie being Stewie"
Bumped by Kyle Busch ----- Call him a child after the race
Bumped by Juan Pablo Montoya ----- Wreck him
Pinned by Jimmie Johnson ----- No problem, maybe he didn't see me there
Pinned by Jeff Burton ----- Don't take it personally, it's racing
Pinned by JPM ----- Ask him to meet in the NASCAR trailer one week later. Then just when Juan lets his guard down, leap over table and repeatedly punch him in the face.
If it's Joey Logano ----- I'll give him the benefit of the doubt
If it's Kevin Harvick ----- His foot probably slipped on the brake
If it's Juan Pablo Montoya ----- Typical Montoya, just driving over the top of people without any regard to the consequences. Maybe he'll think twice about spinning me out after go online to JustinBieberFans.net and post JPM's home phone number as "Justin's cell phone number". Don't cross a Newman.
If it's Kurt Busch ----- Live and let live
If it's Michael Waltrip ----- I'm probably partly to blame
If it's Juan Pablo Montoya ----- Juan needs to learn you can't push someone down into the marbles. There is an unwritten code in racing that he violated. The only fair recourse is to find him the next week before the race. Lull him into false sense of security by mending fences. Encourage him to drink a lot of water to hydrate before the race. Then keep an eye on JPM. Sooner or later, he'll need to pee in the drivers' Port-a-Potty. While he's in there, sneak up and tip it over (door-side down). While he wallows in raw sewage do a jog on top of the Port-a-Potty. He'll be trapped inside for hours because the door is pinned to the ground. Revenge!
If Denny Hamlin ----- No offense taken, he's fighting to stay on the lead lap
If AJ Allmendinger ----- Ought to know better, remind him in garage
If Montoya ----- Enough of his 100% pure Columbian bullcrap! He needs to know who is in charge here. Montoya may get free Pampers from his sponsor, but I get Bazookas! Juan will find out the hard way why they call me Rocket Man!
More articles by this author
NASCAR, The Offical Sport of North Carolina?
Your Girlfriend vs. NASCAR
Matt Kenseth is Mr. Personality