It's Mike Helton, president of NASCAR (no, it's not) and current title holder of the previous year's "Sexiest Mustache." The fine folks at All Left Turns have asked me to count down the sexiest mustaches of 2009. Here's a look back at "the year that was" with my top-five sexiest mustaches.
Fifth place: Tony Eury Jr.
If this mustache had legs, they would be tired, because this 'stache has been running through my mind all season. Eury Jr. consistently has one of the best-groomed mustaches in the game. Professionally, it was a roller-coaster year for Eury Jr. (He lost his crew chief spot with Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s 88 team, but was rehired as Danica Patrick's crew chief for 2010.) Throughout all the ups and downs of this year, Eury Jr. kept that mustache trim, tight and sexy.
Fourth place: Elliott Sadler's goatee
I gave this goatee a speeding penalty at Talladega, because it was burning up pit road! Sadler turned in another dreamy performance in the Mustache Standings; too bad he couldn't finish higher than 26th in the points. I'm pulling for Sadler in 2010. America needs to see more of this facial hair in Victory Lane.
Third Place: Danica Patrick
Danica, you've got something on your mustache...my eyes. If Patrick had grown a real mustache, she would have vaulted into the top spot on my list this year. She is one of the few drivers who can pull off the tight leather racing gear and mustache look (Kyle Petty, you have been bested). I'll be looking forward to Danica and her milk 'stache next season.
Second place: Andy Petree's mustache's mustache
Andy Petree's mustache's mustache is a throwback to days gone by. Back then men were men...and men's mustaches had their own smaller mustaches. Petree knows how to run a Cup team (crew chief for two of Dale Sr.'s championships) and how to teach a mustache to groom its own smaller mustache. I look forward to seeing Petree's mustache on ESPN/ABC next season.
First place: Lindsay Czarniak
She doesn't have a mustache, but just the thought of this lovely lady with a mustache has propelled her to the top spot for 2009. Combining brains, looks and a thick, rich mustache is the definition of beauty. I imagine the two of us in Paris sipping soup at a cafe. Lindsay would be wearing a low-cut dress, her hair pulled back and her mustache full of strains of soup that I would kiss away.