SIGNS YOU’RE AT A BAD NASCAR-THEMED WEDDING

Summer is almost here, and in some parts of the country that can only mean one thing – NASCAR-themed weddings. NASCAR-themed weddings can be fun – I love them! – but sometimes even good ideas go bad (think: Car of Tomorrow). When such a situation arises, you might find yourself wondering, “Am I at a good NASCAR-themed wedding or a bad NASCAR-themed wedding?”

Here are the top signs that the NASCAR -themed wedding you’re attending is a bad one.

1. The wedding is scheduled for a race day
This is a no-brainer. Some weekends are just wedding no-nos: Christmas, Thanksgiving and the 39 weekends of NASCAR races.

2. Priest adds one to many boogity, boogity, boogitys
Before you cast the first stone, take a walk in a priest’s shoes. As a priest, he probably doesn’t have that many moments in life to make a room full of people laugh. So he throws in a "boogity, boogity, boogity, you may kiss the bride.” Perfect, a classic line to be remembered. He must heed the temptation to add an additional, "boogity, boogity, boogity I now pronounce you boogity man and boogity, boogity, boogity wife." Even DW knows when to tuck that catchphrase back in his pocket.

[DW as priest]

3. Insistence on ‘Single File Restarts’ at the buffet line
If All-Star racing has taught us nothing else, we know that double-file restarts are more exciting. The Double-File Buffet Start creates interesting match-ups: Will Grandma be faster to the soup ladle than the uncle with a bad knee? Who will scoop up the last Italian meatball? Will f@!#king kids leave any cookies for the rest of us? For the record, just because you’re smaller than me doesn’t mean I won’t drop you for an extra slice of cake. Because I will.

[Diagram of buffet traffic]

4. The chocolate fountain that is supposed to look like motor oil… is really motor oil
Nothing spoils a wedding faster than rushing ten people to the ER with motor oil poisoning. I once had a perfectly good Thanksgiving spoiled that way. One minute you’re watching the Dolphins beat the Cowboys and the next you’re sitting in a sterilized room while they pump dad’s stomach. Just stick with chocolate.

[motor oil desert Fountain]

5. The wedding announcement is not in Dick Berggren’s Speedway Illustrated
As I sip a spot of tea by my veranda, paging though the latest issue of Speedway Illustrated, the Wedding Announcements section is the first section I turn to. I find it simply uncouth in this day and age not to make a proper announcement in the nuptials column of this fine motorsports publication.

6. Bride has taken "Terry Labonte"-themed dress too far
Who doesn’t enjoy a good Terry Labonte-themed wedding? I can’t get enough of ‘em. I enjoy seeing all the bridesmaids’ dresses in the colors of his old No. 5 Kellogg’s ride, but I draw the line when all of the bridesmaids grow thick, bushy mustaches.

[bridesmaids w/ sunglasses/mustache]

7. At the open bar, the bride’s father warns to you to ‘pace car yourself’
I have two points to make. Number one, it’s a bad pun. But he’s a nice guy, so you let that slide because his daughter just got married. Number two, “No thank you.” The open bar typically lasts for an hour or so. You’ve got to push your way in for free beer like Brad Keselowski getting a nose on Carl Edwards at the end of Talladega. If you’re planning on being in the winner’s circle at the end of the night, get in on the open bar.

8. You can have too much Stroker Ace
This is a delicate line to balance. When I consult with couples interested on adding a little Burt Reynolds to their NASCAR-themed wedding, I tell them, “it’s a lot like owning purple pants, you think it’s going to love it, but wait until you try them on.”