Something about being at a race causes men to forget that they have no business being shirtless in public. If this photo doesn’t keep you home, I don’t know what will. Someone should call the EPA. Speaking of things best left covered…

Old Women in Totally Inappropriate Clothing

Apparently men aren’t the only ones who lose their sensibilities on race day. Why is it that the older the woman, the less clothes she wears? There is a horribly high age-to-skin-ratio happening at tracks across the country. Speaking of seats…

Comfortable Seating

At home you can watch the race in comfort. In this case of this stool – total comfort. What man wouldn't enjoy 26 hours of Coca-Cola 600 action on one of these? Speaking of comfort and convenience…

Food and beverages are accessible and cheap

I don’t know about you, but I can do without paying $16.95 for an undercooked hot dog and flaccid fries. Heck, for the same price you can have a pizza delivered to your house. Maybe even by her. And what does a beer cost at the track? Buy a case. Put it on ice in the cooler. Set it right by your chair. You’re all set. Speaking of beer…

Don’t have to wait to pee

Not like you can actually get your butt out of your seat after ten beers anyway, but at home you just get up and stagger to the toilet. If you miss any of the race during one of your inebriated excursions, all you gotta do is fire up the DVR. Which brings us to the best reason to stay home…

You don’t miss anything

If you have seats on the backstretch, you can be assured all of the action will take place on the frontstretch and vise versa. The last race I attended was at Talladega, and the only wreck happened on the backstretch. All I saw was dirt fly up in the air. Then everyone in front of me stood up to get a better view of the airborne dirt molecules and blocked my view. At home, you know the wreck will be shown over and over again, and if someone blocks your view you can throw stuff at them with only a moderate risk of a fistfight. 

The one drawback to watching the race at home, of course, is the massive potential for a horseback DUI. Friends don’t let friends trot drunk.

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