TONY STEWART HAS A CLONE

On the heels of his All-star win last weekend, Tony Stewart is being praised for his dexterity in balancing both his owner responsibilities and driver duties. People are talking about how he has created the winning model for how one man can manage two different roles. I offer another theory about his success: There are two Tony Stewarts. I don’t mean that Tony Stewart is a driver and an owner. I mean there are TWO Tonys.
 
5 reasons that prove Tony Stewart is actually two people:

1. Change in personality is a clear sign of body double

People say Tony Stewart can control his anger now and is no longer prone to slapping notebooks out of reporters’ hands. People say that Stewart has matured in the last several years and that he has better control of his temper. I think this “person” is a clone posing as Tony Stewart. It’s like in Freaky Friday when the two sisters switch places, but the parents know something is up because the girls act so differently. To further prove my point, I think the happy Tony Stewart clone is taller.

2. Tony Stewart recruited Ryan Newman to join his racing team

Ryan Newman is the only NASCAR driver with a degree in engineering. If anyone in NASCAR has the technical know-how to create some sort of cloning machine, it’s Ryan Newman. Ryan was specifically recruited to build a machine that would clone Tony (or a machine that would open a rift in the space/time continuum pulling a parallel universe Tony Stewart into our world.) This photo was taken by a fan. It clearly shows scientist Ryan Newman with a time-space rift visible in the sky above the Stewart-Haas Complex.

3. Tony has grown a goatee, a clear sign of an evil doppelganger

As noted in the original Star Trek, when Spock has a goatee, he is an Evil Parallel Universe Spock. I knew as soon as Smoke started sporting the goatee that he was, in fact, an evil clone. I would have guessed that evil clones would have learned by now to shave their goatees to better assimilate, but maybe clones are not as smart as the rest of us. Be very wary of any man with a goatee, he is likely an evil doppelganger sent here to attack.

 

4. Inside sources told me so

Based on information from a source close to Stewart-Haas Racing, I paid good money (not “dinner at Subway combo meal” money, we’re talking “Ole Spaghetti Factory with ice cream dessert” money) to gain unauthorized access to business documents that would prove my case. I discovered this discarded expense report. It details receipts of Tony’s pre-race staples: gas, a pre-race smoothie, a pine air freshener and this note.

5. I am afraid

If left unchecked, we could see an entire racing team of Tony Stewarts, Intergalactic Tony Stewarts or even the feared “half-man, half-shark, half-alligator Tony Stewart.” If bad Michael Keaton movies have taught us anything, it’s that we shouldn’t play God.  Cloning yourself will only lead to heartache, disaster and another romantic comedy starring Andie MacDowell. 

Tony Stewarts must be stopped!