Working For NASCAR: Hazardous, Perhaps, But Profitable


I have gots to get me a job with NASCAR.
 
Now, I can’t really render any opinion on the merits or demerits of Mauricia Grant’s $225 million lawsuit – though experience in both the real and NASCAR worlds leads me to believe it had quite a bit of merit. However, yesterday’s news that said distraction was settled out-of-court and on the serious QT, leads me to believe I might be in line for a nice little payday myself, if I plays my cards right.
 

Look, let’s put it this way. I’m a skinny little white guy with two pierced ears (delicate, white gold hoops in each lobe). I am a liberal Democrat of decidedly epic proportions. I think George W. Bush probably skanked out on his National Guard service in Alabama all those years ago and that he is verifiably the worst President in US history. I thought the Iraq war was a bad idea before more than 4,000 American troops died. And, just for added good measure, I happen to think waterboarding is bad – under any circumstances.
 
So, I figure it this way: I get me some low-level job somewhere in the NASCAR world. I quietly-but-pointedly make my beliefs known (note to self: Wear favorite ‘LIBERAL’ T-shirt as often as possible), occasionally mutter things like George Bush is a moron or, perhaps, Dick Cheney needs to do time in a Federal penitentiary … and just wait. The abuse, preferably limited to the verbal – but if it’s physical, well, the grandkids would mail Chanukah cards to the Frances annually, I promise! – should commence in approximately 12.87 seconds.
 
I have a reasonably thick skin, so I imagine I could put up with the crap for at least 23 working days. Still, the incalculable emotional damage – and don’t forget the potential physical abuse, or, at the very least, the threat of physical abuse (you know how those pesky, ambulance-chasing lawyers driving up the cost of doing business like to play things like this) – should be worth six figures, easy!
 
And I promise – I’ll sign a confidentiality agreement, too!