Daytona Speedweeks is overwhelmed with a full-blown case of "Danica Fever." The public will soon be caught up in an epidemic of Danica Patrick. Journalists will speculate about her prospects this year. Throngs of photographers will plaster her image on every magazine. And Jamie Little will look hot reporting on her until we are all driven insane.
There is no escape; this week she’ll be in the Super Bowl (in commercials), she’ll guest star on CSI: NY (as a leather-clad stock car driver) and she will be in the sky above the East Coast (The AirTranica flying from Orlando to Pittsburgh for AirTran.)
Over the next few weeks, you or a loved one will catch Danica Fever. Here are five ways you can stop it.
1. Stop cold turkey
You’ve got to quit watching this year’s races altogether. Hopefully you’ve still got all those races on tape from 1999 as part of your y2k preparedness kit. Every week, just watch the appropriate race, including the Southern 500 rightfully back on Labor Day. Enjoy Tony Stewart as a rookie, Rusty behind the wheel of the No. 2 and commercials with those Budweiser lizards. Spoiler Alert: Dale Jarrett won the title.
The idea behind vaccination is to expose yourself to a weakened version of the virus so your body will build up an immunity. To vaccinate yourself from Danica, you have to slowly parse your "Patrick Exposure." Stare at the following photo everyday for a month. This should allow you to build resistance to "The Fever".
3. Bikini prevention
Danica can’t help it; whenever she sees a classic car, she needs to strip down to a bikini and lay on top of it (a medical disorder that Joe Nemechek also suffers from). Danica Fever is far more likely to break out wherever there are classic sports cars. Which is why the Centers for Disease Control has asked for all classic cars to be put into storage. In the short run, it will hurt owners of ’59 Chevy Impalas, ’67 Corvette convertibles and ’38 Dodge Pickups, but it’s for the greater good.
4. Floss daily
Good for removing any Danica Fever trapped between teeth before it has a chance to harden into plaque. Flossing also reduces gum disease, halitosis and the infamous Spencer Pox (where you can’t get Jimmy Spencer to leave your home after a dinner party.)
5. Give in
It will never stop, so just give in to those dreamy eyes, that slight-Beloit accent and flowing, chestnut hair. This year will be saturated with Danica reports every weekend. In the fall, the talk will turn to "will she/won’t she" join NASCAR full-time in 2011. Danica Fever is here for the foreseeable future… until another driver looks better in a bikini. Joe Nemechek, we’re counting on you.